Step 2: You’re Broken: Now what?

I have taken a long time to write this second blog because I wanted to think clearly and concisely on what I wanted to write about. A few topics buzzed around in my brain and I wasn’t sure what message I wanted to convey. I think its important for you all to know that I am not an expert and sometimes I stumble for the answers too. Hell lets be honest I stumble a lot. When you’re young, you are led to believe you have enough time for everything. That the road that is your life is long and stretched out. And so some of us spend a lot of time on that road just wasting precious time. Time is a gift that we have been given and we never know when that time is up. We never know when the road is cut short. So here’s my advice to you. Mend some of the relationships that have been splintered by time and by things that have happened. If you have a family member or a friend that you had a relationship with and that bond has been splintered, fix it. If it is fixable do so. For me the relationship is with my mother. A great deal of things have happened between us and our relationship has never been the best, but I love her for who and what she is. There are times I don’t like her but I have always loved her. Approximately 12 years ago we didn’t speak, we hadn’t spoke for a particular length of time and there were things that were done that I felt couldn’t be forgiven in my childhood. Things that hurt so much that for me to think of them now would make me want to weep. And anyone who reads this and knows me knows I’m not a crier but there was and sometimes is a lot of damage that we both had to and have to get over. It’s not easy to forgive someone or to forgive ourselves for the part that we had in it. But here’s the thing, forgiving someone will take quite a great deal of the grief we have been holding onto off our back. And after a long while it will bring us to a place of acceptance.  And remember: 

I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note – torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one.

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This quote is so true. Sometimes we say we forgive someone and we mean it. We think “O.k. I can be the better person, and forgive but I will never forget.” For me here’s the truth. I said this to my mother. I said to her I forgive you, but in my head I’m thinking, I will never forget it. So according to this quote I have not truly forgiven her. And here’s the thing as well, I’ve never trusted her. It’s like I say I love you Mom, I forgive you Mom, but I’ve never really acted like there is a clean slate. Like everything between us is forgotten, done over with we are starting off as new people and the things of the past never happened. That’s how forgiveness is supposed to work. That’s how it worked with my friend. I did things that were in unforgivable, and she forgave me every time. So I need to reevaluate if in fact I have truly forgiven at all. Have I looked at the person I have forgiven with new eyes. Well there are times that yes i have looked at my mother with new eyes, and yet there are times that I wonder if I tell her something deep and personal will she tell everyone, including strangers who don’t know her, but know me about it? So for me I think if I am going to forgive I have got to do it all the way or not at all. If this is the same for some you, reevaluate if your forgiveness was done in the matter of the way the quote speaks or if you forgiven but not forgotten. It’s more important to you than to them, they are living their lives, sometimes not even knowing you harbor some feeling towards them. Or they may know and don’t care. None of that matters. Do it for you. That’s the second step you take to becoming whole and not broken.  


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