One day you wake up. It may take years for you to wake up but it will happen You realize that you are almost forty and not one thing that you wanted for yourself happens. You have spent all these years just living your life like your waiting for things to happen, like you are waiting for your life to begin, for someone or something to rescue you from your situation or your circumstances or just your life the way its going. And for years you’ve just been running around life picking up people, and things and habits, just trying to find yourself trying to love yourself and be whole, be normal. But it hasn’t worked because a long time ago, SOMEONE OR SOMETHING BROKE YOU! That someone or something took you, the unsure, innocent and unloved soul and used a special part of you to satisfy something in themselves, something dark and twisted and dirty and made you feel dirty down to your soul, made you feel even more unworthy and unloved and your self-esteem, plummets to even lower depths. And now you are so low that you don’t want to live anymore. So you think about taking your own life. You think about the dark things that have been placed in your heart and in your soul and you wonder how you could have gotten to this place, where you feel almost nothing. Where if you were to die, that would be okay with you. I am there, with you in that dark place trying to dig myself out just like you. And your friends understand, but they can’t relate to the bone deep depression that you are experiencing because, well they can’t understand that you could feel so low that the thought of you selling your body doesn’t make you feel any kind of way where before you would rather starve than resort to that. The thing about being so depressed is that you dig yourself into such a big hole to bury yourself, that you can’t find your way out when you are ready. While all of this is happening, time is passing you byy. You begin to feel like it doesn’t matter what you do, If you do or don’t succeed and make something out of yourself then whatever. It doesn’t really matter because to you, you are not worth the skin that God has housed you in. To you, you are not worth the breath that he breathes into you everyday. You are not worth waking up in the morning. And although to some people, depression may not exist, or it may exist its just that its dealt with in different ways,or even to some friends it may seem like you have your head up your ass; The fact of the matter is this: To those who are dealing with these particular systems, it’s real to you and that’s all that matters, That your feelings are your feelings and no one else’s.
So now that we have validated our own feelings, what do we do with them? How do we proceed from here?
I think that the first step in any healing process is to know and admit that you need healing. Admit to yourself that you are a Broken person and you need help and healing to put yourself back together. Two days ago I admitted I am broken to myself and that i need to heal from being broken, I needed to admit to myself that the things that happened in the past were not my fault. That I needed to forgive myself the way I was able to forgive the adults who did not keep me safe from the harm that befell me. If I can forgive them and they are living their lives why can’t i fix myself and not be broken anymore. I’m not saying its going to happen overnight, and we can work together to heal ourselves and to get the monkey called depression off our backs. I am here for you.